Five Fucking Fings - with Alex Dyer

Eddy told me that I was too moody and too angry in these things, I took in what he said and decided that yes it was time for a change and I should write a nicer, more forgiving and encouraging article instead. Then I realised that Eddy is a massive dick. Fuck Eddy and fuck Gandhi. I will however try not to use the F bomb quite so much, as it seems more effective when you only drop it when needed. e.g After 13 episodes of taking his abuse and not swearing at him, in the second part of the Christmas Special David looked Finchy in the eye and said “Chris, why don’t you fuck off?”.

Five Fucking Fings - that fuck me off.

Dress properly for a photo - Ok, so you have learnt some tricks, you might even be getting a few boards here and there, who knows you may even have your name on one (we will get to that later). Now it’s time to step up and get that picture you have always wanted. You tee up a photog, and think of a trick you want to do and then you just go there and do it, right? Not at all. I know it sounds gayer than Dylan Rieder sucking off Brian Anderson, but what you wear actually does matter. Do you think Steven Cales accidentally put on some fresh Jordan IVs before popping over this bar? 

Everyone has a different style and different ideas about what looks good, and that is sick. If you like trucker caps for some strange reason, wear your best one. Make a fucking statement, have a cigarette in your mouth, do it naked, tag your griptape, just do something. But rest assured, whatever you are into if you don’t make an effort the picture is going to look shit. The amount of sick tricks I have seen pictures of that are wasted due to terrible spot choice and bland clothing is ridiculous.
Summary - nobody is going to remember your kicky beakblunt slide if you are wearing Globes, faded black jeans and a Cheapskates T-shirt.
 

Contests - The whole act of competition is a little sickening to be honest, but if they have to happen don’t let philistines get involved.
Energy drink sponsor - fuck you {don’t} pay me! Surf bullshit - fuck you {don’t} pay me! Ex/current crackheads making comps for small children - fuck you {don’t} pay me! Etc. Etc. You get the point, anyone that has nothing to do with skating is just there to rape you, metaphorically. Possibly even literally as well in the case of the last example. Obviously money is good to make things happen “Brent. Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?” and prize money is a good way to get people to jump down or over certain obstacles, but there must be another way. Do you really want this prick turning up?

What would you honestly prefer to go to? A comp with parents, fuckwits, rules, a commentator that says ‘rail grind’ instead of Smith and an alcohol ban enforced by dumb arse security guards (why the fuck people bring security IN to skateboarding is beyond me, isn’t security the perpetual problem for skaters?) … Or a chilled out sesh with friends having a laugh and skating whatever they want and prizes supplied by a skateboard company that actually understands and cares about the skaters?

P.s I’m not even going to mention the fucking Nationals. Piss take.

Carrying Skateboards - I’m sure nobody who will read this is the type of person of to do this shit, but every fucking day I walk up Queen Street and see some gormless nonce carrying a skateboard by the truck, griptape in. Sometimes girls, sometimes huge V neck shirt wearing chumps, sometimes people who even look almost like an actual skateboarder - these are the worst breed to me. At least with the other species you know instantly that they are pricks. The immaculately dressed board holder is the biggest problem there is. To the untrained eye it could be another member of the ‘brotherhood of the wheel’ (although I say this in jest, when I was about 13, Leighton and I approached strangers in the street purely because they were wearing Vans or a surf/punk T-shirt. These days, I will cross the road if I see a skateboarder), but luckily my eye is very trained. From the way way someone walks and holds their board, I can tell if they are shit or not. If there was any doubt whatsoever, the millisecond those brand new blank marshmallow wheels hit the floor it is all over for the fraud. Learn to push, homo.
I have no idea why people want these cumbersome things in town anyway, if you aren’t going to use it, don’t bring it.
Gasman has the right idea, travel light - “the only thing I bring to a BBQ, is an empty stomach”

Longboards - lol

Skate shops - Support your local shop. If they play videos, let you hang out, give you discounts, or even if they are just good guys, then they deserve your support. Don’t buy anything from shops that sell scooters and rollerblades and all that crap, you are only encouraging the idiots that do these ridiculous pastimes. if you really want something from one of these stores, steal it. That is the cheapest way to skate anyway.

Next time I am going to be nice.